Twenty years from today ...

Last week I had the realization that my inability to keep my focus on the end result when raising my children may be the why I am constantly overwhelmed with the daily task of training my children.  To be honest, I would much rather cook or clean than parent.  Parenting is exhausting, especially when you're parenting a toddler and two preschoolers at the same time!  Every moment of the day seems to present an opportunity to correct, praise and/or instruct my little ones.

 Right now, I am especially overwhelmed with this task because my son is a, well, a boy.  Who knew they were so different?  He is wild, rambunctious and seemingly unteachable.  Since our move to Nebraska nearly 10 months ago, he has been on an emotional roller coaster that has left me clueless behind in the dust.  Like any roller coaster, reaching the peaks seems to take so much longer than descending into the valleys; I'm often overwhelmed to the point of tears and yelling which doesn't help the situation.

Oh! my heart is so wicked and selfish.  The Lord has certainly had His work cut out for Him since I invited Him into my heart nearly two decades ago.  There is so much pain and scarring, so many things I have carried with me throughout my life instead of turning them over to God.  When I look back, I see all the events that I allowed to mold me instead of trusting my Creator to transform me and refine me, constantly renewing my heart in His steadfast promises.  I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I'd only been more faithful to His bigger picture for my life.

As I see Caleb struggling to control his own emotions, I see myself in him which scares me.  As his mother, it's my job to prepare him for his own bigger picture.  I'm scared that if he gets the best and the worst of my own character that I'm doing him no good because the worst of me often removes the joy from the rest of me. Looking down the proverbial road of life, imagining what it's like 20 years from today, I desire to see a young man that has allowed every experience to sharpen him and draw him closer to God, unshakable in his faith, loyal, a true servant because even if it's not his spiritual gift, Jesus desires that of him, honest, joyful and compassionate all while still being wild and carefree.

 

I must remember that if I'm not daily, moment-by-moment even, recalling that I serve in the most intimate of mission fields, and that every action, word and expression are leaving impressions on my children that will either grow or hinder them.  I want to breathe life into their lives so that 20 years from today, I can be confident that I have not allowed my scars to become their scars.

When "Me" Before "We" is Necessary

Months ago, I read this entry on one of the blogs I stalk. In particular, this quote really stuck out to me, and it has been on my mind:

... it becomes much more necessary to do like the stewardess says
and "put your own oxygen mask on first, before helping the people around you."
In those situations, it can be essential to
thoughtfully evaluate and meet your own needs
in order that you might better care for the people entrusted to your care. 

Oh, right ... my needs.  Over the last four and a half years and counting, I have entirely forgotten that I have needs.  I don't say that jokingly nor do I mean to paint myself as a saint, I just want to be honest.

Long before I held Aubrey for the first time, I knew becoming a mother would change me indefinitely, or at least I had a strong hunch. It started the moment I bought that first pregnancy test: I was no longer living for myself.  I was responsible for this little life now.

Then my water broke at 5:10pm on June 25, 2006; interrupting a late afternoon nap, instantly sending my stomach into my chest; and eight and half hours of back-labor later, I was handed a beautiful little girl and forgot entirely about the pain it took to get her into my arms.  I would have endured it all again, too, and then I knew that for the rest of my life, I was going to put her ahead of myself.

Three more children later, I am learning that I cannot always do that for lots of reasons.  The biggest one is that if I'm not taking care of myself spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically and wearing my own oxygen mask, then I am undermining my ability to care for them spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically.  I never wanted to be one of those parents who said, "Do as I say, not as I do" but I find myself living that way.

I feel like I live in a glass house because I am a "pastor's wife."  I was hesitant to start blogging at all because I do not always feel like I can be as forthright as other bloggers.  I cannot reveal intimate details of my marriage.  I cannot openly write about my struggles as a parent.  I cannot be less than a shining example of a Proverbs 31 or Titus 2 woman.

After much thought, though, I decided that I want to honest, so let's try that again: I am too proud to reveal intimate details of my marriage.  I am to proud to openly write about my struggles as a parent.  I am too proud to be less than a shining example of a Proverbs 31 or Titus 2 woman.

I am too proud to admit that because of my need to be a perfect mother, I have probably failed my children more times than I can count because I have lost my temper and taught them more about self-gratification than self-control.  I have been a shining example of idolatry as I shush their questions so that I can focus on my computer.

I am tired of being that kind of mother, and Jenn's words just kept swimming through my head.  While I am not typically the type of person to set resolutions with each new year, I have been taking the weeks following our long trip home for Christmas with the not-so-simple task of refocusing myself.  That is why I haven't blogged because I've been busy just reflecting.

First, I am a disciple of Christ.  Disciple being the key word.  Recently I've felt more like a pharisee with God's law etched in my mind but not alive in my heart.  Do you know how difficult it is to teach your children about God when you're no longer learning about God?  I mean, I am "learning" about Him.  I go to church and small group and I read books about Christian living and theology; but I haven't been immersed in my Bible in ages, and that is where God reveals Himself to us.

Second, I am was exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically.  I rarely slept enough which meant that all of my systems were definitely not operating well.  Ryan and I made the decision to make a few lifestyle changes.  We started exercising.  We started being very intentional about eating better.  Not dieting, folks, I am talking a whole new way of eating.  Since January 1st, we've both already lost 10 pounds and shed a jean size.

Third, I am a wife before I am a mother.  Ryan should come before the kids, and I had shoved him to last place and then resented him for not always making me feel like I was at the top of his priority list.  I also get caught up in the same error of thinking regarding him.  Yes, he is a pastor, but he isn't any more perfect than I am because I'm a pastor's wife.  He is still a man which when combined with me, an imperfect yet OCD hormonal woman ... well, you can just guess the fun that it leads to on a typical day.

So, I've spent the last three weeks trying to figure things out.  This morning I finally got to the part of my resolve that included intentionally walking through the Scriptures.  A dear friend reminded me this week that if I don't begin the day with God, chances are good I'm not going to live the day or end the day with God.  Also a mother of four young children, she knows that once your first little one wakes up, you no longer have the capacity to sit quietly before the Lord, meditate on His Word and give Him your pride so that you can faithfully live out Deuteronomy 6.

That is where I have been hiding all these weeks.  I have not planned a single menu nor have I tried any new recipes.  I have not thought about the deep questions of my faith or this world.  This afternoon, I did find a little jewel in My Utmost for His Highest, and I am going to leave you to think on it:

There is no joy in the soul that has forgotten what God prizes. ...

[In Jeremiah 2:2,] God is saying to His people --
You are not in love with Me now, but I remember the time when you were,
"I remember ... the devotion/kindness/loyalty of your youth."
Am I as full of extravagance of love to Jesus Christ as I was in the beginning,
when I went out of my way to prove my devotion to Him? ...
Am I there now, or have I become wise in loving Him? 

The New Living Translation captures Jeremiah 2:2 best for me: I remember how eager you were to please me as a young bride long ago, how you loved me and followed me even through the barren wilderness.

But You Excel Them All - Part 2

A week ago I wrote about the lies that our culture is selling us as married folks after a gentleman at Wal-mart informed me that I needed to purchase my husband an HDTV to entertain him so that I did not have to be his entertainment, and we could stop procreating.  This type of lie and sin has slowly crept into our homes and is destroying them slowly.  Not only is it undermining the plan God has for marriage but it alters our perceptions of parenthood.

It is not a surprise that when we do things out of their designed order, as we have a tendency to do, that what God purposed as a blessing can be viewed as, well, a burden.  Our sin, then, alters our view of God's blessings.  God designed man and woman to be joined together in marriage and make babies.  Specifically, the Bible says in Genesis 1:27-28:

So God created mankind in his own image,

in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

God blessed them and said to them,

“Be fruitful and increase in number;

fill the earth and subdue it.

Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky

and over every living creature that moves on the ground." 

As our extended families spread apart and our immediate families break apart, parenting gets even more difficult therefore making our perception of parenthood even worse.  We are constantly told how expensive children are to raise, how much of our energy they take, how we will never get a good night's sleep again, how they will [fill in the blank].  It is rare to hear a parent recall the joys of parenthood, and I am just as guilty.

There are days when I cannot see God's purpose through my own trials.  There are days when I do not want to either because I want to believe the lies and take the easiest path.  Parenthood has quickly taught me, however, that short-cuts rarely pay off.  I find myself in tears, on my knees, often.

I want to encourage everyone to evaluate the reasons behind their current conceptions of parenthood.  What forms your beliefs?  Who influences them?  When was the last time you sat down with a grandmother and let her recall the joys of parenthood?

There are several parenting sermon series that I listen to over and over again to keep me on God's path.  Covenant Life Church's "The Parenting Years" is one of my favorites.