Much Will Be Required

It has been a while since I wrote here. Life has been hectic. Despite being immensely blessed, I have felt immensely overwhelmed instead. As I have struggled with my own circumstances and emotions, I have constantly been delving deeper into the bigger picture. If only mentally, I have been around the world this year, struggling with unanswered questions.

All of these thoughts have expanded onto a bigger scale as the realization that we live in sad times is not going to change. This time of year, I always become disheartened by the commercialism and excess I see everywhere. I have found some relief as I have seen more and more friends at least talking about celebrating Jesus' birth in a fashion actually worthy of our Savior.

Ryan and I have never gone crazy at Christmas, but that is not to say we have done the holiday justice either. I have been confronted with that reality this year as I see American citizens protesting Wall Street and our government going further into debt because it's trying to be everything to everyone.

We are an average family living on a single income in the Midwest. I have stayed home since our first child was born in June 2006, and we have never struggled to make ends meet because we have made a real effort to live within our means. In Winfield, it was easy enough to look around and see countless families struggling to feed or diaper their children. In a global perspective, it is almost unbearable to see how so many live.

I do not want to be the type of "christian" who does not look and act like Christ, but my entire life I have done a darn good job of it. My actions never synced up with my words or even my heart, and this year, right now, that is going to change. Christ will be exemplified in my actions and love for other people so that they may know His goodness and name. I will not look over a $40,000 budget and act like there is not enough money to give more than 10% to my church.

In Franis Chan's book Crazy Love, we are reminded of Jesus' words in Matthew 22:39 to "love our neighbor as yourself." Chan meditated on those words, and it made him wonder what that would look like.  His answer? Only keeping 50% of his church's budget the following year and making a commitment to give away the other 50%! His reasoning? If I love them as much as I love me, then why am I not giving to them as much as I am keeping for myself?

It left me thinking about my 10% which over the last decade has been habitual, not even close to sacrificial. I keep going back to Luke 12:48 where Jesus is quoted saying, "Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more." Um, that is me, and more than likely that is you too.

Join me in making the decision to serve others as much as myself.

Silence is Golden

‎A.W. Tozer once prayed, "Lord teach me to listen. The times are noisy and my ears are weary with the thousand raucous sounds which continuously assault them. Give me the spirit of the boy Samuel when he said to Thee, 'Speak, for thy servant heareth.'"  And Oswald Chambers reminds us to " ... make room for God to come in as He chooses.  Expect Him to come, but do not expect Him only in a certain way."

Silent is Golden by juwet ©2010-2011

These great teachers really spoke to my heart with the truth behind their message.  I am a planner, and while I like to think I plan under divine inspiration, it would probably be more truthful to say that I consult God only after I have made a decision to do something.

I am sure you've never done that before, like a kid asking mom for a piece of candy all the while holding a Hershey's Kiss behind their back?

My first problem is that I am a poor listener, and "poor" is probably being generous.  Even before I became a full-time mommy to four wonderful children, I had trouble just being still and listening to and waiting on God.  This is probably because I am also impatient.  I am, after all, the product of a culture that dishes out instant gratification like it's something we're all due; I fail to remember the part where Jesus has freed me from bondage and transformed me into a new creation.

One of my goals this year is to start spending at least five minutes a day completely still and completely silent before the Lord.  I usually do it after I have worked out so that I'm awake and before the kids get up so that my house can be completely silent too.

I know and trust that God has already prepared a way for me in this life, and I would like to stop living as though I'm completely aware of what that plan is already.  It has occurred to me that the reason so little has been revealed to me is because that is about all God is ready to entrust me with at this point in my life.  He knows my heart and my tendency to plan and make lists, so He typically only reveals one step at a time so that I cannot argue or deviate from His pathway.

I desire so much to change, and I know that God is capable of turning me into a woman who is quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19).  As I spend my five minutes in utter stillness before Him each morning, it is my prayer that He will refine me.  Perhaps that is why He has already entrusted me with four young, curious and question-filled children!

He is good, and His ways are perfect.  Just in the last month, as I have physically practiced the art of patience with my little ones, God has been faithful to show fruit in all of our hearts:

Yesterday, the mailman delivered our mail to our door because the snow was blocking our mailbox, leaving it out of arm's reach without trudging hip-deep into snow.  My son heard the knock on the door and immediately let himself and Grace, our 21-month-old, outside.  I start chasing the kids down our driveway knowing that I will not be able to catch Caleb because he got too good of a head start.  I grabbed Grace, who is quite a bit slower, and headed back to the house, leaving Caleb in front of our neighbor's house.  To my surprise, he quickly followed us back inside, racing in on my heels.  Before I could even open my mouth to scold him, he wrapped his arms around my thigh and apologized for disobeying.  I was beside myself.

God is faithful, and we won't miss it if, like Chambers recommends, we not only leave room for God but expect Him to come.

You of Little Faith

I often still feel like I have just begun the journey of learning to serve like Jesus.  Because I am human there are too many times I still desire recognition for my sacrifices, I still crave a reward for my selfless attitude, I still fail to truly understand my own salvation and the grace that secures it.  You would think it would be easier to follow the example of your Lord, your Father and your Redeemer, but it is about the most difficult thing a person can do because it means dying to one's self which just is not, ironically, how we were designed.  God designed us to have choice which automatically seemed to mean we would always choose our self.  Even in paradise, the Garden of Eden, Eve and Adam could not resist the temptation of becoming more like God even if it meant disobeying Him in the process.  We are so sinful ...

©2006-2011 ~imanwatts

But there is redemption, and while I have spent most of my Christian life misguided, I feel that in the last two years I have begun to truly understand the Gospel the way Jesus' desired.  He made it so simple, but I have been blinded by myself and my wants and my plans.  I have been lured into the world's notions and philosophies, and I have forgotten the very premise of my faith:

²⁵ "For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life,

as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body,
as to what you will put on.

Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

  

²⁶ "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns,

and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.

Are you not worth much more than they?

 ²⁷ "And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?

 ²⁸ "And why are you worried about clothing?

Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,

 ²⁹yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory
clothed himself like one of these.

 ³⁰ "But if God so clothes the grass of the field,

which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace,

 will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!

  

³¹ "Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?'

or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?'

 ³² "For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things;

for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

  

³³ "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness,

and all these things will be added to you.

 ³⁴ "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.

Each day has enough trouble of its own

 

Matthew 6:25-34

"You of little faith," that is what my Savior calls me because He knows my heart well.  Luckily He did not stop at reminding me how little faith I have in His sovereignty, He sacrificed everything to show me that His will was good and perfect, and if I could find a way to get over myself, my eyes would be opened.

His desire was for me to follow Him and feed His sheep (John 21).

It seems so simple, so I began trying to understand where I was failing, where my family was failing, where the Church was failing. I was shocked to learn that I was failing not because my intentions were not good, but because they were not of God.

They were not Biblical or purposeful for advancing the Kingdom of Heaven.

They were still selfish and were still all about me.

Coming to this point in my walk was painful and a little bit paralyzing.  I had spent years of my Christian life headed in the wrong direction.  You of little faith ...

My redemption came upon realizing that even in my confusion, God is sovereign.  First Corinthians 13:12 reminds me, "For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

When "Me" Before "We" is Necessary

Months ago, I read this entry on one of the blogs I stalk. In particular, this quote really stuck out to me, and it has been on my mind:

... it becomes much more necessary to do like the stewardess says
and "put your own oxygen mask on first, before helping the people around you."
In those situations, it can be essential to
thoughtfully evaluate and meet your own needs
in order that you might better care for the people entrusted to your care. 

Oh, right ... my needs.  Over the last four and a half years and counting, I have entirely forgotten that I have needs.  I don't say that jokingly nor do I mean to paint myself as a saint, I just want to be honest.

Long before I held Aubrey for the first time, I knew becoming a mother would change me indefinitely, or at least I had a strong hunch. It started the moment I bought that first pregnancy test: I was no longer living for myself.  I was responsible for this little life now.

Then my water broke at 5:10pm on June 25, 2006; interrupting a late afternoon nap, instantly sending my stomach into my chest; and eight and half hours of back-labor later, I was handed a beautiful little girl and forgot entirely about the pain it took to get her into my arms.  I would have endured it all again, too, and then I knew that for the rest of my life, I was going to put her ahead of myself.

Three more children later, I am learning that I cannot always do that for lots of reasons.  The biggest one is that if I'm not taking care of myself spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically and wearing my own oxygen mask, then I am undermining my ability to care for them spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically.  I never wanted to be one of those parents who said, "Do as I say, not as I do" but I find myself living that way.

I feel like I live in a glass house because I am a "pastor's wife."  I was hesitant to start blogging at all because I do not always feel like I can be as forthright as other bloggers.  I cannot reveal intimate details of my marriage.  I cannot openly write about my struggles as a parent.  I cannot be less than a shining example of a Proverbs 31 or Titus 2 woman.

After much thought, though, I decided that I want to honest, so let's try that again: I am too proud to reveal intimate details of my marriage.  I am to proud to openly write about my struggles as a parent.  I am too proud to be less than a shining example of a Proverbs 31 or Titus 2 woman.

I am too proud to admit that because of my need to be a perfect mother, I have probably failed my children more times than I can count because I have lost my temper and taught them more about self-gratification than self-control.  I have been a shining example of idolatry as I shush their questions so that I can focus on my computer.

I am tired of being that kind of mother, and Jenn's words just kept swimming through my head.  While I am not typically the type of person to set resolutions with each new year, I have been taking the weeks following our long trip home for Christmas with the not-so-simple task of refocusing myself.  That is why I haven't blogged because I've been busy just reflecting.

First, I am a disciple of Christ.  Disciple being the key word.  Recently I've felt more like a pharisee with God's law etched in my mind but not alive in my heart.  Do you know how difficult it is to teach your children about God when you're no longer learning about God?  I mean, I am "learning" about Him.  I go to church and small group and I read books about Christian living and theology; but I haven't been immersed in my Bible in ages, and that is where God reveals Himself to us.

Second, I am was exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically.  I rarely slept enough which meant that all of my systems were definitely not operating well.  Ryan and I made the decision to make a few lifestyle changes.  We started exercising.  We started being very intentional about eating better.  Not dieting, folks, I am talking a whole new way of eating.  Since January 1st, we've both already lost 10 pounds and shed a jean size.

Third, I am a wife before I am a mother.  Ryan should come before the kids, and I had shoved him to last place and then resented him for not always making me feel like I was at the top of his priority list.  I also get caught up in the same error of thinking regarding him.  Yes, he is a pastor, but he isn't any more perfect than I am because I'm a pastor's wife.  He is still a man which when combined with me, an imperfect yet OCD hormonal woman ... well, you can just guess the fun that it leads to on a typical day.

So, I've spent the last three weeks trying to figure things out.  This morning I finally got to the part of my resolve that included intentionally walking through the Scriptures.  A dear friend reminded me this week that if I don't begin the day with God, chances are good I'm not going to live the day or end the day with God.  Also a mother of four young children, she knows that once your first little one wakes up, you no longer have the capacity to sit quietly before the Lord, meditate on His Word and give Him your pride so that you can faithfully live out Deuteronomy 6.

That is where I have been hiding all these weeks.  I have not planned a single menu nor have I tried any new recipes.  I have not thought about the deep questions of my faith or this world.  This afternoon, I did find a little jewel in My Utmost for His Highest, and I am going to leave you to think on it:

There is no joy in the soul that has forgotten what God prizes. ...

[In Jeremiah 2:2,] God is saying to His people --
You are not in love with Me now, but I remember the time when you were,
"I remember ... the devotion/kindness/loyalty of your youth."
Am I as full of extravagance of love to Jesus Christ as I was in the beginning,
when I went out of my way to prove my devotion to Him? ...
Am I there now, or have I become wise in loving Him? 

The New Living Translation captures Jeremiah 2:2 best for me: I remember how eager you were to please me as a young bride long ago, how you loved me and followed me even through the barren wilderness.

Grace is Greater Than All Our Sin

As believers, we should constantly be asking questions and searching for truth.  Often times our studies reveal unusual answers.  Once upon a time, a friend and I went head-to-head over the issue of homosexuality, and I have never asked more questions and studied harder in my entire life.  Tonight, another friend sought my wisdom over this very issue, and I felt like all that I had learned three years ago was for this moment.  I wanted to share my thoughts with you, all the while praying that whenever you find yourself with questions, that you purposefully seek an answer because you never know when God will want you to become the teacher.

I see the world in black and white; there is right and there is wrong. I've always been this way with my faith, too, so the issue of homosexuality has always been a no-brainer: it's a sin. The Bible is pretty clear about that. As I've grown and matured as a believer, however, I've had to sharpen my understanding over many issues. I pray that my studies shed some light in the darkness.

First, as a believer you have to decide one thing above all else: Do I believe the Bible is inerrant? I do. I believe that God, through divine inspiration gave us the Bible, whole and perfect (2 Timothy 3:16-17). There are some believers that do not believe this, and therefore take liberties with how we apply the truths taught within the text. That is a dangerous slope because the less we believe the Bible is God’s perfect love letter to us, the more we find ourselves playing by our own man-made (read: sinful) rules and throwing out godly truth. First and foremost, one must decide where he or she stands with regards to the Bible. Do you accepts the whole book as truth? If so, then you must accept the content regardless of how it makes you feel.

Second, when we come face to face with sin, as humans, we usually only have a few reactions: repentance, shame, grief or anger. Because we are all human, we have a bent toward the later three; repentance only comes from God and it is not in our nature.

Thirdly, just because homosexuality is a sin, however, does not mean that all homosexuals are going to hell.  Are you confused yet?  Understanding and accepting this truth helped set me free: Homosexuals are born homosexual!  In Psalm 51:5, David writes,"Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, And in sin my mother conceived me."  We are all born with a sin nature, a propensity for sin, that sets us apart from God (See also Romans 3:9-11).  For some that may mean anger, others lust, others still selfishness.  The difference in all of it, however, is the choice we make to either give into our sinful desires (anger turns into murder, lust turns into sexual immorality, selfishness into idolatry) or to pray for deliverance from the temptation. James 1:14-15 outlines the process clearly:

 Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God";
for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone.

 ¹⁴But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.

 ¹⁵Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin;
and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.

 ¹⁶Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren.

 ¹⁷Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of lights,
with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.

 ¹⁸In the exercise of His will He brought us forth by the word of truth,
so that we would be a kind of first fruits among His creatures.

 ¹⁹This you know, my beloved brethren But everyone must be quick to hear,
slow to speak and slow to anger;

 ²⁰for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

 ²¹Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness,
in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls.

 ²²But prove yourselves doers of the word,
and not merely hearers who delude themselves.

 ²³For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer,
he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror;

 ²⁴for once he has looked at himself and gone away,
he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was.

 ²⁵But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty,
and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer,
this man will be blessed in what he does.

 
So, there are some Christians out there who are homosexuals, some even practicing homosexuals because they are still unwilling to give their entire sinful nature over to Christ. We all have some sin that we hold on to, theirs is just more obvious. For me, personally, I have an angry heart (didn't see that one coming, did you?)  Over the years, I have gotten really good at controlling it, but eventually my anger boils over. I know God’s truth, and I know that the anger that I carry around is a sin and of the devil, but I am a work in progress. That sin is no different than a homosexual’s sin … we just like to think it is because we’re human and it is our nature to measure things in degrees. God doesn’t do that, though, so we have to find ourselves in a place where we recognize sin and rebuke sin, but we learn to love the sinners, trusting God to deliver them.

It’s simply not our job to shame people out of their sin, but in our own lives we must seek out the sins we have allowed to linger because, "I am only human" or "it's just my nature," and turn them over to God. I have heard it said that once we are Christians, we can no longer say, "it's just my nature" because in Christ, we are new creations (2 Corinthians 5:17), transformed by grace!

We are Wonderfully Made

My little sister is a Tri-Delt, and last week was their annual End Fat Talk campaign.  I wanted to post something on the topic, and I am just now getting to it.  So, here is my take on this campaign and what they are trying to accomplish through it. As a young GenY woman, it should be no surprise that self-esteem came and went when I was a teenager and college student with each new boyfriend.  It was sort of pathetic.  As a young mother, I now have the responsibility of raising three daughters.  So there is a big question before me: How do I teach them to view themselves as beautiful regardless of this world's current standard or a boy?  At first it seemed beyond me, but it is pretty easy when you just stop and consider what the psalmist  David wrote about the topic ... Psalm 139

God’s Omnipresence and Omniscience.
For the choir director. A Psalm of David.
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.

2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
         You understand my thought from afar.

3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
         And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.

4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
         Behold, O LORD, You know it all.

5 You have enclosed me behind and before,
         And laid Your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
         It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
         Or where can I flee from Your presence?

8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
         If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.

9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
         If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,

10 Even there Your hand will lead me,
         And Your right hand will lay hold of me.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
         And the light around me will be night,”

12 Even the darkness is not dark to You,
         And the night is as bright as the day.
         Darkness and light are alike to You.

13 For You formed my inward parts;
         You wove me in my mother’s womb.

14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
         Wonderful are Your works,
         And my soul knows it very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from You,
         When I was made in secret,
         And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
         And in Your book were all written
         The days that were ordained for me,
         When as yet there was not one of them.

17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
         How vast is the sum of them!

18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
         When I awake, I am still with You.

19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
         Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.

20 For they speak against You wickedly,
         And Your enemies take Your name in vain.

21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
         And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?

22 I hate them with the utmost hatred;
         They have become my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
         Try me and know my anxious thoughts;

24 And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
         And lead me in the everlasting way.

So, it is my job to teach my girls (and yes, even my son) this psalm.  Perhaps we should even memorize the entire thing because to have such an amazing passage written on each of our hearts would make a huge difference as I teach my daughters that their beauty and worth is found in Christ, not in this world.  As I read my little sister's blog on the topic, it made me wonder which of my features I complain about that I should rejoice in instead.

I definitely do not look like the women in magazines, and I am not as trendy of some of my friends even though they too are mothers of young children.  But my husband thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world even when I have not showered in two days.  My oldest daughter admires me, and the only purpose it serves to talk poorly about myself is to teach her that her current, innocent view of beauty is not right.  God created me uniquely, quirks and all, and I would be criticizing the God of Creation if I could not see the beauty in myself, His creation.

Here are some questions to consider this week:

• If we really believe every human is a unique and beautiful creation of God, how should that affect the way we view people whom our society considers mistakes, disposable, worthless?
• What are some ways that we, as Christ-followers, can show that we value human life?
• How should the Bible’s teachings on human dignity affect how we treat others?

You are an awesome creation of a Heavenly King, and by recognizing that, you glorify Him.

Worthwhile Sacrifice

In Matthew 9:35 Jesus calls His disciples and says, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." 

It is not in our nature, as human beings, to be servants but that is the challenge Christians are faced with by Jesus.  I grew up in church, feeding my own self-interest more times than not, never truly understanding the words repeatedly spoken by Jesus throughout the New Testament.  It was not until a few years ago that they started sinking in and resonating in my own spirit.

As a young wife, my conception of sacrifice was quickly changing and evolving.  My reality mirrored Jesus' calling by force, not by desire.  But in the instant I became a mother, my entire perception of God altered.  My understanding of love was now much deeper which made my understanding of Jesus' life and sacrifice on the cross more meaningful.  Although it was difficult at first, I slowly began the transformation from a selfish girl to a servant-hearted woman.  This transformation is on-going, and I am no where near the woman God desires.  I hope as I write, you will keep that in mind and remember that I am just writing based on where I have been and what I have learned along the way.

I have been encouraged to write this blog by many well-meaning friends, so I am trying to mentally prepare myself to keep a schedule so that my momentum does not dwindle.  I am hopeful to work up to writing more than once a week, I would like to write three times a week, but for now I am shooting for once a week.  My topics will vary but will all fall under the umbrella of topics, lifestyles or habits that I have found to be a worthwhile sacrifice.  There will be times you disagree, sometimes wildly, and I understand that.  My prayer will be that my own thoughts ignite change in my followers' lives, making you wonder how you could better serve God, your family, your community and the world.