Right now, I am especially overwhelmed with this task because my son is a, well, a boy. Who knew they were so different? He is wild, rambunctious and seemingly unteachable. Since our move to Nebraska nearly 10 months ago, he has been on an emotional roller coaster that has left me clueless behind in the dust. Like any roller coaster, reaching the peaks seems to take so much longer than descending into the valleys; I'm often overwhelmed to the point of tears and yelling which doesn't help the situation.
Oh! my heart is so wicked and selfish. The Lord has certainly had His work cut out for Him since I invited Him into my heart nearly two decades ago. There is so much pain and scarring, so many things I have carried with me throughout my life instead of turning them over to God. When I look back, I see all the events that I allowed to mold me instead of trusting my Creator to transform me and refine me, constantly renewing my heart in His steadfast promises. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I'd only been more faithful to His bigger picture for my life.
As I see Caleb struggling to control his own emotions, I see myself in him which scares me. As his mother, it's my job to prepare him for his own bigger picture. I'm scared that if he gets the best and the worst of my own character that I'm doing him no good because the worst of me often removes the joy from the rest of me. Looking down the proverbial road of life, imagining what it's like 20 years from today, I desire to see a young man that has allowed every experience to sharpen him and draw him closer to God, unshakable in his faith, loyal, a true servant because even if it's not his spiritual gift, Jesus desires that of him, honest, joyful and compassionate all while still being wild and carefree.
I must remember that if I'm not daily, moment-by-moment even, recalling that I serve in the most intimate of mission fields, and that every action, word and expression are leaving impressions on my children that will either grow or hinder them. I want to breathe life into their lives so that 20 years from today, I can be confident that I have not allowed my scars to become their scars.